In Perspective... (Two more strikes)

When I first injured my knee I felt pretty sorry for myself. In the beginning I was in denial but once the facts came in about how bad off I was, reality started to settle in. For the first 5 days or so I had moments where I would just break down and cry and scream "It's not fair!" My assumption was that sure an ACL tear is bad for everyone, but for an athlete it is even more devastating. I was in the best shape of my life. This is a fact that even though it frustrates me, it makes me believe that my recovery will happen that much faster.

Two things have happened in the past week that have made me look at my situation through a different light. The first was a death of a friend, Carrie Ann. It is a really sad story. She and her family were in a car accident last weekend. Carrie (who was pregnant with her second child) was killed instantly. Her son had some bumps and bruises. Her husband, Dan, has several injuries, was in a coma and not expected to survive with man brain cells intact. Some good news has come out of the situation since then. Dan's situation has improved (some vertebrae that were previously though of as crushed, only slipped out of place) and his head injury is turning out to be not as severe as well. I had known Carrie Ann since high school. We weren't close, just a friends of friends sort of thing, but I can tell you that everyone who knew her, loved her. She was just that kind of special person. She was friendly, always smiling, and had one of the most welcoming personalities of anyone I have ever met. It is sad and I will miss her. I have to believe though that Carrie Ann has fulfilled what she was put on earth to do, giving birth to a beautiful son and gracing us all with her companionship.

After hearing about her last Sunday, I have to say that my perspective has changed somewhat. I'm no longer complaining "why me", I'm thinking "how do I get myself back to where I need to be?" Mostly, I was worried that now that I have had this injury that it will affect my longevity in triathlon. I had originally been planning on racing into my 80s. I still am, but part of me knows that there is no guarantees in life. I may not even live that long. All I can affect is my situation right now. I know that I am going to want my knee surgically repaired, so I have to get myself in the best possible position to both make that happen and to successfully rehab afterward.

The second thing that occurred this week has to do with my education. I am a physical therapy student currently getting ready to start my final clinicals. When I first talked to the internship coordinator I got the impression that they would work with me and that I would still be able to participate. This is not turning out to be the case. Due to the fact that my injury is more severe, they are reluctant to give me the go ahead to begin. I found this out on Wednesday after my first day of pre-clinical classes. What a downer. First my knee and missing the Ironman, next Carrie Ann and now THIS. I almost didn't come back to class on Thursday. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and mourn my injury all over again. Their reasoning is that they don't think I would be effective with an injured knee and that I could pose more damage to myself by participating. I understand that yes, there are some things that I would have difficulty with: squatting and kneeling in particular. But my brain still works, I have both my arms and I can walk (although a bit slower than normal). And I am still getting better. The only accommodation I expect to need is a couple weeks to have surgery and recover. I have no problem making up the missed time at the end of the clinical.

I do understand the school's position in all this. I know that they just want to protect me. However, I don't think that they are taking my wants and needs very seriously. I am very tired of being treated like I'm fragile or an invalid when I'm not. It is very tough if you are a very independent person and suddenly you have to start relying on other people. It is also hard on your mental state when you go through an injury like this and people begin taking away your ability to make decisions. I like to think that I know what is best for myself. I lost the Ironman, I don't want to lose my clinical either.

This whole situation is contingent on the doctor that I am going to see on Monday. Although I am feeling a bit down, I am cheered by the fact that I am one step closer to getting back to top form.